Have you ever felt overworked and overstressed? Ever taken on new commitments without being sure that you had the time or ability to follow them through? You’re not the only one. Many people say ‘yes’ to extra obligations in their lives to please others or to appear competent. Saying yes too often can lead to stress in daily life and may result in feelings of resentment and anxiety. Sometimes saying ‘no’ is the best answer.

Dr Tammy Verlaan Ross, from the Life and Balance Centre, Rathfarnham, says she sees the pressure people feel from their family, friends and fellow workers to say yes coming out in health problems.

“People often put unrealistic demands on themselves and this can have a bad effect on their health and wellbeing,” says Ross.

How to say ‘no’
Ross explains that those who have never, or rarely, said no before find their first ‘no’ is extremely difficult. She recommends not getting defensive, emotional or angry. Simplify it and decline by saying something as easy as: “I’m sorry, this doesn’t work for me”.

“If people are offended by that, they are not honouring you. The greatest contribution you can be to your family, friends and colleagues is to honour yourself. If you say no to commitments that don’t suit, you might be pleasantly surprised by the results,” says Ross.

Practice saying no
Irish life coach, Ellen Shilling, also believes that the ability to say no, without feeling guilty, incompetent or offending people, is essential for setting boundaries and creating self-respect.

Shilling advises writing down all the positive things that learning to say no will bring into your life. Things like more time to yourself and more energy. Spend some time with this and place the list somewhere that you will see it every day. Begin to exercise your ‘no’ muscle daily. Start by saying no to small things and build up to saying no to the bigger things in your life. If you find yourself faltering remind yourself why you’re doing this by reading over your list.

“It will get easier the more that you do it. Soon you’ll be only doing the things that you want to do, while enjoying all the extra energy and time that this brings you,” says Shilling.

Choose what you want to do
“When we choose to do something we are freed from the ‘have to’s’ and ‘shoulds’ which are disempowering,” says Shilling.

Ross agrees and says: “The ability to say no allows freedom of choice and then we can enjoy rather than resent the situation. You always have choice, when people feel that they don’t have choice they feel overwhelmed.”

Ross advises people to remember that choosing to say no is as valid as choosing to say yes.

Don’t spread yourself too thin
Even if you cannot shake the notion that saying no is lazy or an easy way out, bear in mind that it is better to do one thing well than several things in a mediocre way. If you feel like you should be doing more for your family, church, colleagues or friends remember that your talents are better focused on one or two things rather than overstretching yourself.

“Having boundaries in our lives will ultimately lead to feeling happier. We will also have more time and energy to spend with our loved ones or doing the things that we enjoy most,” says Shilling.

Helping others can give us enormous sense of wellbeing, but to perform at your best for you and for those around you, you need to get comfortable with saying no.

“There is no shame in saying no,” says Ross.

Ross advises that you choose carefully which extra tasks you take on in your life, be it babysitting, baking a cake or even offering a lift. By doing this you can give your best to others without compromising your personal time and your health.