How do you deal with your worst nightmare? Do you face it head on or cower away from it, hoping the memories will recede in time?

One of the biggest nightmares for people in a long-established relationship is to find that their other half is having an extra-marital affair or a fling. As some high-profile affairs that have received media coverage have shown, they are not just the domain of younger generations – they have involved people in their 50s and upwards.

What do you do?
Many of these were outed by somebody in a position of power with an agenda but what do ordinary people do? Having a gut feeling, suspicions or actually coming across the classic example of lipstick on his collar is one thing but what do you do next?

Confronting the issue
Confrontation can be a daunting thing to do and preparation is key. Annie Murphy is a private investigator with Irish-based Bluemoon Investigations, which has offices in three locations across the country. She says that some of their clients are people who have confronted their partners.

“We do get calls, from women usually, who have confronted their partner or their husband. They’ve been led to believe ‘it’s all in your imagination, you’re going mad’. This can leave the spouse that has made the accusations wondering if they have imagined their other half is having an affair,” she says.

Saving your sanity
According to Murphy, it’s often for their own sanity after a confrontation, as well as to prove their partner is cheating, that people hire an expert to uncover proof of an extramarital dalliance. Others, she says, want the evidence before they alert the partner that they suspect them of cheating.

So what kind of evidence can be proof of a cheat? Murphy explains that a pattern is established before surveillance begins to ensure the success of a covert operation. “Is there a particular evening they are missing? Or what evening or day or is it weekends that the partner believes this activity is going on?”

Getting the evidence
In the case of private investigators, a budget is established and surveillance completed around that. Photographic or video evidence is taken of the person and their activities.

In Ireland, a place where everybody seems to know everybody else, it can be hard to fathom that affairs go undetected or that there is even a market for private investigators.
Sometimes a person is under surveillance and there is no evidence of any cheating. However, while this may seem like a strong indicator of innocence, it may be that they haven’t had a meeting with the person they’re having a fling with, says Murphy. “Sometimes it’s inconclusive but there are occasions where there is a simple explanation for the suspicious activity,” she adds.

Go with your instinct
There is some truth in trusting your gut instinct when it comes to finding out a cheat. “More often than not, if there’s a suspicion, it’s usually proved correct,” she says.

Despite having a suspicion and going to the expense and trouble of hiring a private investigator, actually finding out that their suspicions are true can naturally be upsetting. For many people, it means the start of a new phase of their lives. Whether or not they make that confrontation, their lives have changed irrevocably.

Look for the signs
If you think your partner may be having an affair, here are some of the signs to watch out for:

1. 1.Intuition – just having a feeling something is different
2. Unexplained absences
3. More protective of mobile phone and deleting text messages from phone
4. A change of behaviour in partner:

• Behaviour may be more positive, partner may become more attentive
• Partner may be very distant
• Partner may be taking more care with their appearance

Tools for confrontation
If you want to confront your partner with your suspicions, you need to be ready for whatever outcome there may be:

1. Be prepared for the repercussions of an accusation e.g. “you’re mad”
2. Be prepared for the defence
3. Be armed with as much evidence as possible:

• Photo or video evidence
• List of dates of unexplained absence
• Specific examples of changed behaviour

4. Be prepared for the truth
5. Know what you are going to do next – have a plan in place both for a firm denial and a confession