When a relationship breaks down it is often the children who suffer most. Leaving aside the fact that a separation or divorce is rarely easy for anyone involved, the havoc it can wreak on grandparents and their grandchildren is often forgotten.

A comprehensive new report, Grandparents’ Role in Divorced and Separated Families, has been written by researchers at Trinity College Dublin. It details the nature of contact and support between grandparents, grandchildren and the divorced/separated parents in the aftermath of a relationship breakdown in the ‘middle’ generation.

Alienation
The wide-ranging findings make disturbing reading, particularly those detailing the alienation of grandparents following a breakdown.

• Some grandparents experience a deterioration in their relationship with their grandchildren. The weakening of relations is attributed to the custodial parent, who was thought to openly criticise members of the non-custodial family.
• Some grandparents experience loss of contact or reduced contact with their grandchildren. A sense of powerlessness and loss was relayed by respondents who had no contact with their grandchildren following their adult child’s separation.
• Very few grandparents access any formal services such as counselling, information services or legal and mediation services. Despite the fact that many are able to draw on informal supports, many called for more information and support to be made available to them.

Some of the stories are harrowing but will be all too familiar to many people. One grandmother, whose unmarried son was separated, described how she would constantly try to pick out her grandson in a crowd, even though she didn’t know what he looked like.

“It’s really hard… not to see him. I find myself looking at boys and wondering what is he like... You are in a kind of no man’s land because he is not missing, not dead. He is out there somewhere and you are looking for him in the crowd all the time.”

Caught in the crossfire
The study echoes the findings of a report last year by the Department of Social and Family Affairs. That study found many grandparents were caught in the crossfire when their child’s relationship broke up.

“Some grandparents are, or have been, denied access to their grandchildren, usually after separation or divorce. This was, and for some continues to be, a very painful experience for grandparents, especially when milestone events such as First Communion and Confirmation take place in their absence,” the report states.

Figures for the extent of this problem in Ireland are hard to find. However, a UK report last year found that, after a separation or divorce, half of all grandparents lose contact with their grandchildren. The study, Beyond the Nuclear, also found that 67 per cent of grandparents were no longer allowed to provide any childcare or take their grandchildren on outings.

Given the sharp increase in marital breakdown in Ireland, it would be no surprise if the magnitude of the UK experience was mirrored here. The 2006 Census shows a 500 per cent rise in marital breakdown since 1986, with more than 200,000 people in Ireland now divorced or separated. Of course, separations of unmarried couples with children do not appear in these figures.

Increased supports
The authors of the Trinity College report recommend increased supports for grandparents affected by a breakdown – particularly for those who are denied access to their grandchildren. These should include:

• formal support services
• information and counselling, with the latter in the form of peer-support groups
• transfer payments to custodial grandparents
• enhanced benefits for low-income groups

The authors believe a lot more research into the role of grandparents in modern Ireland is warranted. It is a conclusion that would be difficult to argue with.